


Learning to Live with Love

by Nittley



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blini, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Food, Gen, Ice Skating, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, In Love, Inspired by Yuri!!! on Ice, Love, M/M, Poodles, Self-Harm, St. Petersburg, Strength, They are so in love I'm crying rainbow candies, VictUuri, movies - Freeform, otayuri? kinda, russian movies, viktuuri, zoloft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-02 00:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10204205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nittley/pseuds/Nittley
Summary: Victor Nikiforov and Katsuki Yuuri are so in love that it's scary. When Yuuri moves to Saint Petersburg (despite his anxiety telling him not to), he learns more about the love of his life than he ever thought possible. When Yuuri is too anxious, Victor freaks out.Will Victor's depression cause heartache? What will happen when Yuuri finds Victor's anti-depressants, despite him trying to keep them hidden?Post canon fic in which Victuuri is so in love that they fight through their problems, hand in hand, ring against ring.





	1. A 'normal' shopping trip?

**Author's Note:**

> OK, bare with me. 
> 
> This is my first fic I have ever written, so any constructive criticism would be highly appreciated! A lot of this is based off of my personal experiences, so it will get pretty angsty, but Victuuri will help each other through. They love each other forever and always, so they will keep fighting! Any feedback would be great! Thanks so super much!!
> 
> ALSO I usually spell Victor with a k (Viktor) and for some weird reason I didn't for this? So if you catch me spelling it Viktor please tell me so I can correct it and keep it consistent. Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning. The two are on a shopping trip when some news hits Yuuri hard.

**Part 1**

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       They had been living together for a month. A whole month in Saint Petersburg in which Victor and Yuuri were both in absolute, domestic bliss. It was their first day off in a long time, and they were more than thrilled to spend it together, hand in hand, golden ring clinking against golden ring.

       "Victorrrr-uh! We are out of bread again. And everything else. Where does all our food go?!" Yuuri was rummaging through the fridge in Victor's, no Yuuri and Victor's, **shared** apartment (it’s been a month, and Yuuri wants to say he will never get used to calling it that, but in reality he knows he will never call it anything else ever again.) On the rare days off that they shared outside the rink, it was normally because Yakov had miraculously convinced Lilia to do something with him. This meant that most the Russian team also had a day off, leaving yurio with nothing to do except bug Victor and ‘Katsudon’ about how he is a “growing teenager who needs to eat.” The last day they had off, the three of them ended up in colorful cat hoodies eating dumplings.

       “Victor?” Yuuri looked up from where he was standing in the small kitchen and saw Victor sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone. He looked surprised, and to Yuuri’s dismay, mischievous.

       “Yuuri, have you noticed?”

       “Noticed what?”

       “We haven’t heard from Yurio all day. Normally we would be at lunch right now.”

       Yuuri closed the fridge and made a little huff of confusion.

       “Guess where he is?!” Victor sang. At this point, Victor was turned around, staring at Yuuri with those big blue eyes, giving him one of his signature heart shaped smiles. Yuuri felt his heart melt a little more as he fell in love all over again (not that he ever fell out of it.) Victor’s brightness made Yuuri’s stomach flutter, and not in the bad way like he would experience before he stepped out onto the rink during a competition or before he told the waiter his order when celebrating afterwards, but in a good way. A way that made him feel as if there was no where in the world he would rather be.

       Victor wasn’t happy with the mute response he was getting. “Yuuri! Guess!”

       “Uh, practicing?”

       “Nooo!”

       “Shopping for more cat stuff?”

       “Nooo but close!”

       “Well we are going to starve if we don’t go to the grocery soon Victor and you know I’m bad at guessing…”

       Victor dramatically pouted a little bit and continued on. “He’s with Otabek! They are on a date! Yuuri! He doesn’t need us anymore! He’s found a new lunch buddy.” Yuuri couldn’t tell if Victor was elated or sad that they had been replaced, but Yuuri was still confused.

       “What does that have to do with shopping for cat stuff?”

       “Okay, not cat stuff maybe, but shopping. We have to go grocery shopping anyway, right? Let's go to the Perekrestok across town! They are at lunch over that way and if we are being replaced we need to know it’s by someone worth it.”

       Yuuri and Victor were very similar, whether they had realized it or not. After Victor suggested practically spying on their younger friend, Yuuri’s eyes doubled in size. Yuuri knew this was a little over protective, but he desperately wanted to know how things were going. After all, they needed food anyway and he definitely did not want to disappoint his finance, so with a snort he grabbed his coat and watched as Victor’s face lit up, ridding of the look of betrayal previously there.

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**Part 2**

       Needless to say, Yuuri was freezing his butt off. Saint Petersburg in late January was anything but warm. Over Victor’s too big sweater that he was wearing, Yuuri was also bundled up in a white coat and fluffy grey scarf. As he walked outside their apartment, hand in hand with his finance, he was in awe. Not just at how beautiful the city was, or how blessed he was to be there, but also at how unfazed by the horrid weather Victor was. He was in his favorite coat, the one that he wore for their first kiss, but was not shivering nearly as much as Yuuri. In fact, Yuuri was jealous at how we was not even shaking at all. He would just have to get used to the cold, but it's not like he doesn't have all the time in the world for that.

       As they made their way to the store, Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder if Victor was happy. He knew that Victor made Yuuri happy, but wanted to know if he did the same back to Victor. It’s not like Victor has never told him that Yuuri makes him happy, or tells him countless time that he loves him "bol'she chem fseevo", but Yuuri knows that sometimes people say things just to make others feel good. Victor always has always this when he was in front of cameras or an audience, but it has always bothered Yuuri that he could the same to him. Yuuri could just be oblivious to the fact that Victor felt like he had to do these things. Like it was his duty to always please everyone else. He didn't always share his personal feelings, but whenever he did he tried his best to brush it off. Yuuri knew better and could read Victor like a book, but still felt as if there was something he didn't know. Was Victor still not being himself?

       No. Victor lays his heart out in the open when it comes to Yuuri. Victor promised he would always be himself that day at the beach back in Hatsetsu. The two of them knew everything about each other, and besides, with how much time they have spent together, alone, what was there to hide?

       "RAdost’ moyA?” Victor knew Yuuri was thinking. He also knew not to press Yuuri too far when he was thinking like this and the best thing he could do to show the love of his life that he understood was to pull him out of his own thoughts. They were a team after all, so they had to work together to keep each other as happy as they could be.

       “What do we need to get anyway?”

       Yuuri hadn’t even thought to make a list. He almost always made a list, but for some reason, today, it had slipped his mind.

       “Oh. Bread for sure. Do you want salads tonight? We could use some lettuce. Do you think we need anything else?”

       Victor thought for a second. He seemed really concentrated on something and all Yuuri had asked him was if he remembered what they had left to eat at home. “I don’t remember. But you know I’m forgetful! We can look when we get there.” Victor chuckled at his own absent mindedness and they continued talking about what Otabek and Yurio were doing, making up a list that got more and more ridiculous with every passing second. Yuuri thought Otabek would want to see one of the many palaces around the city, but Victor insisted he knew Yurio and Beka would end up at "The Republic of Cats Cultural and Museum Complex", upon Yurio's request of course. They could imagine the two of them trying to wake up all the cats in order to pet every single one because one "couldn't possibly go without love!" They giggled all the way to the grocery.

       When they arrived at the store, they stuck together. They both knew it would be more efficient to split up, but Yuuri still couldn’t read Russian well and used that as an excuse to keep holding Victor’s hand. They plucked a few things: Tomatoes, lettuce, a few bread loaves, a bottle of Sake, and a few other small things. It was not nearly as much as Yuuri thought they had needed earlier, but he was glad to be out in Saint Petersburg a little more. The first week he had been there they were constantly at the rink. The next week, they had barely left the house and were instead cuddled up all day. Victor had assured Yuuri they had the rest of their lives to explore their new home together, so there was no need to rush exploring the city.

       “Victor hasn’t this almost always been your home?” Yuuri was holding Victor one morning who just happened to be sprawled out across his chest.

       “No. It’s always been where I’ve stayed, but it wasn’t where I was truly alive until you came and made it my home. For awhile, Hatsetsu was my home because that's where you were.”

       As Yuuri paid the cashier, Victor had his right hand in an ‘L’ shape against his lips.

       “Yuuri, can we stop next door?”

       Of course Yuuri wouldn’t say no, and Victor knew that. The Russian grabbed the bag of groceries and walked with Yuuri out the door.

       “I just want to check out the new clothing store put in across the street! I hear they have really soft material, almost as soft as Talc! There are a few more things I would like to look at…”

       Yuuri barely listened to what his finance was saying about the material (being almost as soft as a mineral?) and was trying not to look to elated at the idea of having a whole day out with his very best friend and favorite coach around their new home. They were both grinning as they walked across the street, Victor still talking about what they would do the rest of the day. Yuuri was almost about to laugh at his love’s enthusiasm until he heard him say something that caused him to stop dead in his tracks.

       “… and then we need to stop at the pharmacy a few blocks down. I’m almost out of my medicine, not that I really need it anyway. You’re the real reason I’m happy! Yuuri, you could be my medicine!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bol'she chem fseevo --> more than anything
> 
> *RAdost’ moyA --> My joy
> 
> *Perekrestok --> Some grocery store in Saint Petersburg (I googled it? same with that cat place...)
> 
>  
> 
> So obviously I'm not Russian, so sorry if the translations are off. Again, any feedback, edits, or anything really would be greatly appreciated! I probably spelled a lot wrong... Thank you so much for reading! Stay tuned! 
> 
> ~~~Nit~~~


	2. The Pharmacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's anxiety is hidden the whole time he processes what Victor says. Until is doesn't and he freaks out when he realizes Victor is depending on him, and ONLY him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I kinda suck at this whole motivation thing...  
> Anyway, thank you so much for all the great feedback! Anything and everything means so much to me, so thank you!  
> Once again, if you have any suggestions to improve this, please let me know! Thanks!

 

**Part 1**

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“Yuuri??”

   Victor stopped when he noticed that he was alone on the sidewalk. He turned around to see his baffled Fiancé a few feet behind him. The Japanese man's large brown eyes were wide open and his brows were furrowed as he processed what he had just heard. 

“Victor… What medicine?” 

   Was Victor okay? What had he not been telling him? Yuuri knew he was bad at sharing his deepest, yet most important, feelings. Why couldn’t he push harder to get to know the man he loved? Yuuri knew he was weak. A wimp who expected the Russian in front of him to tell him he had a disease and was going to have to leave soon, or that all his years of skating were going to catch up to him. Yuuri braced himself in the middle of the sidewalk with a tight knot twisting in him, starting from his chest and taking over his whole body as he was going through Victor’s family history in his head at lightning speed. Huntington's disease? Cancer? What was going on? 

“Oh. Just my regular! Zoloft.”

Well. 

Yuuri was not expecting that. And he was definitely not expecting Victor to say it as if it was the most obvious, least important thing in the world.

Actually, now that he thinks about it, it makes a little bit of sense? 

Right?

Victor turned around and grabbed Yuuri’s left hand. 

“Lyubov Moya, what… Are you ok? Why did you stop?” 

He stepped towards Yuuri all whilst pulling him a little closer, inching a little bit down the sidewalk. 

   Of course. Victor always meets him halfway. Maybe it’s time for Yuuri to do the same. Has Victor mentioned this before? Is he that bad of a listener? Did he really not know much about his coach? 

“Oh of course. Yes. What time does the pharmacy close?”

   Yuuri cringed at his own response. Did that sound okay? Surely Yuuri just missed something, and he definitely does not want to make the silver haired man before him uncomfortable. However, Yuuri couldn't care less what time the pharmacy closed. What Yuuri cared about more is the fact that Victor was on an antidepressant and Yuuri had to pretend like that was old news. 

“7:00 I think?”

“Okay. Let’s hurry then.” Yuuri painted on a small smile and caught up with his Fiancé.

   The pair walked into the fancy, overpriced clothing store across the street. Yuuri’s head was swarming but Victor’s silly comments about fabric strength and things shrinking in the washing machine at home snapped him out of it more than once. Victor seemed okay. Almost as if he hadn’t just admitted some of the darkest workings of his mind out loud.

“Yuuri, do you want anything?”

   Yuuri looked up from the spot on the ground he had been staring at for the past minute or so whilst Victor was wrestling off the last shirt he had tried on. With a slight smile he declined. 

“It’s almost dinner time Vitya.”

Yuuri knew Victor could sense something was wrong, so he tried his best to pretend to be his normal self.

“Yurio and Otabek should be on their date… at the restaurant… down the street…”

   That plan worked because Victor’s face lit up as he shoved his own shirt over his head and grabbed the two shirts he was planning to buy. Yuuri snorted at how he seemed to be in a rush, eager to make sure he wasn’t being replaced. He grabbed Yuuri’s hand and stormed out the dressing room door.

“Victor wait…”

Yuuri’s face was a flushed shade of pink and he was trying not to laugh. 

“Your shirt.”

“What?”

“It’s inside out.”

“What?”

   “And backwards. Vitya…”  Yuuri pressed his lips together to keep from cracking up now. Victor looked down to see a white tag sticking out under his chin. He quickly turned around and pushed Yuuri back into the dressing room, slammed the door, and fixed his shirt all whilst Yuuri was giggling loudly up at the situation, momentarily forgetting the day’s past event.

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**Part 2**

   Yuuri did not forget for long. No. How could he? He was worried, but not just about the fact the Victor could have been struggling and never said anything, but something else. He couldn’t figure out why he this funny feeling wouldn’t go away. Everything seemed fine, so why was he constantly on edge? 

   They walked down the street, arms full of groceries and expensive clothing. Yuuri was trying to get out of his own head by attempting to read the cyrillic street signs out loud to Victor, who would first laugh and then give half hearted feedback. Apparently his accent was so ‘off' that what he was saying was not even distinguishable, and Yuuri would say it’s almost as if he was in another world. That wasn’t complete a lie.

   They quickened their pace once they realized it was already 6:30 and that they could easily miss their friend’s dinner date. The restaurant was in view and they could see a dark haired figure leaning over a smaller blonde one. 

Suddenly, Victor stopped. Yuuri turned around to see him bright red, clutching his stomach, and…

Laughing? 

“Victor… Why are you laughing?” 

At this point, Yuuri started to laugh with him, but he didn’t know why, but that didn’t matter. He needed to laugh. 

“S.. sorry Yuuri! It’s just… we basically just followed our dear Yurio out on his date. It’s just…”

Victor had to pause to snort. 

“It’s just totally something only we would do.” He snorted again. “Together.” 

   Yuuri put his hand on the Russian’s forearm, snorted to himself, and then sighed, taking a moment to become a little more composed. They settled down and stared at each other with sparkles in their eyes and the love from their hearts evident on their faces. Yuuri realized that no matter what was bugging him, they would get through it. 

With another small giggle they hurried along and quickly discussed a game plan.

“Yuuri.. Don’t wave! We are supposed to be discreet!” 

   Yuuri obviously waved anyway and Victor pretended to be surprised, causing Yuuri to almost laugh more. Yurio scoffed at them and Otabek seemed slightly angry, but mainly confused. It seemed as if they were sharing music (Beka is a DJ after all…) Victor and Yuuri slowed down their walking pace when they passed the large glass window the two were sitting on the other side of, almost stopping completely. When Victor turned the other way quickly, Yuuri knew he was about to start chuckling and dragged both of them ahead. Victor’s grip on the brown grocery bags was strong as he was cracking up at the sight of his overly excited Fiancé waving to their friends and the fact the their friends did not know how to react when they saw them pass. Yuuri was now cracking up too, even more so when he realized Yurio and Beka could probably still see them, along with the rest of Saint Petersburg. 

   “Yuuri, how come I always laugh with you?” Victor calmed down a bit and cocked his head, giving Yuuri a loving look. Yuuri leaned into him as much has he could with his hands still full of new designer clothing and still chuckled silently. 

“See Yuuri? You're my happiness!” 

Yuuri still chuckled. 

Yuuri didn’t understand why Victor was saying all these things suddenly today.

Yuuri laughed on with Victor, ignoring what he had just said, not knowing how to acknowledge it. 

   Yuuri and Victor continued to laugh until Yuuri realized they were inside a pharmacy, and once again he did not understand what was going on and did not have any clue what to say to his loved one. He just stood in line with Victor, not even registering their walk in. He looked around and noticed how his Fiancé shifted a little bit uncomfortably with one less sparkle in his eyes than before. He seemed like he was used to coming into this place, but it was also so obvious he was used to coming in alone. 

   It felt as if Yuuri held his breathe the whole time they were in there. The whole time his mind had betrayed him. As Victor had a small conversation with the Pharmacist behind the counter and shoved a small orange bottle into one of the grocery bags he was holding, Yuuri just sat there. He must of done a decent job hiding his internal freak out because Victor hardly said anything, however, it was obvious that the previous mood was gone. The light heartedness had faded and now they were walking back towards their shared apartment, stuck in what Yuuri considered an uncomfortable silence. 

   When they walked through the door, Makkachin came bouncing along, greeting them enthusiastically. They both put down their bags  on the kitchen counter and greeted her with smiles, either real or plastered on. 

“Yuuri, lets make dinner.” Victor took out the lettuce they had bought and set it next to the sink, shooting Yuuri one of his fake smiles that was reserved for the press. 

   Victor tried to act like his usual self, but something was obviously off when he took out that little orange bottle and put it in one of the overhead cupboards next to the fridge. It was a cupboard Yuuri had never thought to open because it was in a weird corner and was so small compared to everything else that he figured they would never use it for anything. It was now that he realized it was already in use, with multiple cold medicines, a thermometer, Ibuprofen, and another identical orange bottle that was almost empty lined up near the back.

   Victor grabbed the lettuce and started to wash it whilst Yuuri decided to work on the rest of dinner. Normally when they cooked together (or more like Yuuri cooked and Victor pretended to help), they would giggle the whole time with music playing in the background and socks on their feet that would cause them to slide from counter to counter and often smack into each other where their lips would soon do the same. Tonight there was tension. It was different, Yuuri was confused.

“Victor, are you okay?”

   Victor stopped what he was doing. It seemed like he had a realization and his tense posture loosened a little bit before he turned around with a sentimental look on his face. This was the look Yuuri recognized as his ‘I’m so in love and don’t know how to express this feeling to you with words’ face. This was definitely not the face he was expecting at all. His small smile and those stars in his eyes were back, shining as bright as ever, and Yuuri was now even more confused, which he did not think was possible. 

   “Yuuri, I’m actually more than okay! I realize now I’m not alone. You actually care and I know you will stand with me through everything, just like I will for you.  I am the happiest I have ever been and will ever be. Thank you being here Yuuri. I don’t need those pills we picked up today. Your are what makes me happy!” 

   Yuuri stood still and looked at Victor like a deer in the headlights. He has a knife in his right hand and a half cut tomato in the other. His mind was now on overload and not confused like before.

The first thing Yuuri noticed was how that was practically the cheesiest thing to ever come out of Victor Nikiforov’s mouth.

The second thing Yuuri noticed was how his chest felt suddenly tight at the thought of Victor being so alone for so long. 

The third thing Yuuri noticed was that he could no longer hide the look of sheer panic that overtook him. He suddenly had a lot on his shoulders when he realized he was keeping the love of his life happy. The  **only** thing keeping him happy. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lyubov Moya- My Love
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING  
> You have no idea how much your feedback means to me. Thank you for the support! Any changes, errors, or suggestions are appreciated. I have a general idea of the story plot. It looks decent on paper, but may get a little confusing so sorry if it takes a little while to write out everything. Thanks again!!!  
> OH one other thing- I'm not really sure of the best way to format these paragraphs. Sometimes I am control entering to make them half spaces apart and others not so the words are spacier. Please let me know which you prefer! <3 <3 <3


	3. Anxiety vs. Eating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri share their thoughts to the readers about each other's actions. They are both stressed because they are too worried about each other. Over a few meals, Victor starts to notice something is wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!!! I've been a little stressed and stuff lately but yeah here this is!! Please leave comments and kudos I LOVE THEM AND YOU Thank you guys!
> 
> Also, I am trying my best with this story. I am trying to stick to what the characters would say, however, I am not Kubo or Yamamoto, no matter how much I wish I was. Thanks for your patience!
> 
> SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING  
> Referenced self harm, Zoloft mentions. Please be careful!!!

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**Part 1**

“Yuuuuri?” 

      Yuuri doesn’t answer. He’s just standing in the kitchen with a half cut tomato in front of him, trying to breathe. Why is it so hard to get air into his lungs? They must be working against him. Panting, Yuuri looked up at Victor. 

      “Yuuri, did I say something? I’m not really sure what to do right now…” Victor stood with his hands hovering over his fiance’s body as if not knowing if he could touch him or not, awkwardly fidgeting. “What’s wrong? Yuuri, you have to tell me so that I can try to help.” 

Wheezing, Yuuri looked up at Victor. 

“It’s… It’s….” 

      He could barely think, never the less speak. His mind was on overdrive as he tried to sort out his thoughts. He knew he couldn’t let Victor know he wanted him to keep taking his pills. What if Victor would be mad and kick him out of his apartment? No. He had to stop thinking like that. It’s their apartment now. And he would never do that. Would he? Would he kick him out once he realized that Yuuri doesn’t listen and did not even realize he took pills? Is he that dumb to not realize that the man he loves has been depressed? And he finally opens up to him- he compliments him in the middle of their kitchen and what does Yuuri do? Hyperventilate. That’s what. 

      Suddenly, Yuuri is very aware that he  _ is _ hyperventilating in the middle of a very classy kitchen and that Victor’s bright blue eyes are rapidly searching his face and asking for an answer. Those bright eyes that Yuuri realises have not always been so bright. 

“It’s nothing.”

It was an obvious lie, even Yuuri could hear it.

      “Yuuri. You need to talk to me. Not as your coach, but as your fiance. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

      Victor was holding his shoulders now. Yuuri looked at the floor and let out a breathe he did not know he was holding in. He couldn’t tell Victor everything he was thinking. He just couldn’t. So he will at least tell him some truth. 

“I’m just picturing you alone.”

Victor’s eyes grew twice their size.

      “I’m just picturing you sitting in this small apartment depressed, and alone, and it scares me. I wish I could have been here earlier.” Yuuri looked up and met his eyes. It was a hard thing for him to do but the moment blue locked with brown he could breathe again. Almost.

Victor had a moment of realization before he enthusiastically wrapped his arms around Yuuri, knocking the wind out of him. 

      “You shouldn’t worry about me. I didn't realize I was sad at the time, I thought it was just normal. And now I have you, so I won’t ever be like that again. Thank you Yuuri, for saving me from myself. I truly do love you.”

      Yuuri stood stiff, still having a bit of a hard time breathing. He weakly hugged back and just stared at the pill cabinet over Victor’s shoulder. Yuuri was scared. He almost had a hard time believing Victor had been depressed, considering all the medals he has won. Then Yuuri reminded himself that that was Victor Nikiforov, living legend, not Victor Nikiforov, cooky, honest, and charming human being, fiance, and coach. A human being with feelings that no one ever knew about. Until now.

      “Plus, I had Makkachin!” Victor seemed as if he was trying to lighten the mood, but it only made things worse. 

      Yuuri hugged Victor harder. He couldn’t be anxious and concerned with himself right now when all that really matters was Victor.

      “Let’s finish dinner, Okay? Maybe afterwards we can forget the diet and make some Chocolate Blini.”

 

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**Part 2**       

      They ate their salads in what normally would be comfortable silence. Or at least Victor did, Yuuri wasn’t quiet at all. Sure outloud he was the epitome of peace, but inside, he still couldn’t grasp that if he made one mistake he could worsen the mentality of the Russian next to him. It wasn’t until Victor said something that he realized how sweaty his hands were and that his napkin was crumbled in a little, messy ball in his unstilled hands. 

“Yuuri, are you going to eat? Your food is going to get cold.”

Now, Yuuri could tell Victor wasn’t truly quiet either, his mind must be working things out.

“Victor, we are eating salads.” 

With a little huff, Victor looked up. “Oh. Yeah. Well that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been rolling a tomato around on your plate for the past ten minutes.”

 

      Oh. He was right.

Yuuri stabbed the tomato and shoved it in his mouth. He gave Victor a joking look and took another bite of salad.

He then, only took three more bites of salad before getting up, kissing the top of Victor’s head, and putting his basically full and Victor’s empty dish in the dishwasher. 

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      **Part 3**

      They were now on the couch. Yuuri was laying on his back and Victor was laying on top of him, head resting on his chest. A movie was playing, but neither of them were paying attention, Victor drifting off whilst Yuuri was running his fingers through his silver hair. After dinner, they had talked as if everything was normal. As if Victor didn’t just easily admit he had been living with fake happiness and Yuuri didn’t just almost faint in the kitchen. They had started some Russian movie up that Victor had to translate. It got annoying after awhile, Yuuri only understanding enough to get the jist of what was going on, Victor having a hard time keeping up. It only made sense to them that they wouldn’t use subtitles. They ended up all over each other halfway through the movie, missing most of it in turn for kissing and cuddling. Makkachin was resting at their feet, snuggled close to Yuuri. It was almost as if he could sense something was wrong. 

      Yuuri looked at the sleeping man on top of him. During the day he was usually happy, full of life, and serious when he had to be. It still barely made any sense that just underneath the surface was a fire of depression that Yuuri apparently managed to put out. Right now however, Yuuri could just barely see it. Could just barely see the helpless man that needed all the love he could get somewhere deep inside the one currently asleep and snoring on top of him. Yuuri could tell he was truly happy now, but in the past? Was it more noticeable than Yuuri thought but he was so swept up in being a crazed fan that he didn’t see the suffering? It hurt to think that he was once just another fanboy watching from the sidelines, not different at all like he considered himself to be. He gently nuzzled into Victor as to not wake him and reached for his phone on the coffee table. He opened youtube and searched what he had a million times, but this time with the intent of actually, truly watching the video: ‘Victor Nikiforov Stammi Vicino’. With the volume almost as low as it could get he clicked the play button. Sure, he had noticed the emotion his fiance had put into this performance before, but now it held a different meaning. He performed this when he was at one of his low points. He was alone, needing life and love, that had yet been given to him. Now, Yuuri could see the sadness everything he did, from his facial expressions to his quadruple flip. He needed a hug that Yuuri so desperately wishes he could have provided. And now, if Yuuri didn’t give him a hug everyday Victor could so easily slip back into that endless void that Yuuri was too well familiar with. He knew that Victor needed to take those pills, whether he wanted to or not. 

      A less rational side of Yuuri told him not to worry about it. Not to worry if Victor took his pills or not because he was still Victor. His Victor. Plus, who would want to live their whole life on artificial happiness anyway?  A glance away from the video that was currently playing and towards the medicine cabinet answered that. So did a few stray tears that ran down Yuuri’s cheek as he was once again enthralled by the love of his life floating across that small screen. Good thing Victor was asleep because the last thing Yuuri would want to do is make him worry. 

      And worry is what Victor did when he awoke to the sniffles of his fiance, only to pretend not to hear the notes of Stammi Vicino playing and instead close his eyes and attempt to fall back asleep. 

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      **Part 4**

      The next day the sun woke up too soon. The pair had moved to the bed at some point in the night, realizing that the couch made their backs hurt and that aching all day would put a damper to their practice. In the morning, after feeding Makkachin, Victor took some leftover Blini out of the fridge. He popped it in the microwave and readied some mousse and caviar to top it. Yuuri was still asleep, safe and sound in bed. Victor didn’t want to wake him. He knew he was taking the thought of his past depression rough. He had told Yuuri for the first time that he took pills. Not just any pills, but Zoloft. Pills to balance his brain chemicals and make him feel somewhat normal. Victor was a wreck and was desperately afraid of pulling Yuuri down with him. He had tried to comfort him by telling him that he was okay now, that Yuuri made him actually happy and not just this weird fake happy, but that seemed to make things worse. He wanted to explain to Yuuri everything. His love for Yuuri ran so deep that it terrified him. He had to tell his past, both good and bad, and explain to him that it won’t happen again. That the dark thoughts are gone and the blades were put away and that he no longer looks at that little bottle of zoloft with the thought in his head that there is enough to die nine times. Nine times. That number nine doesn’t pop into his head anymore because he has Yuuri. He has a life and love now and that's all he has ever needed.

      With a shaky breathe, Victor opened the door to their room. He was okay, and Yuuri would be okay too. Infact, just looking at his sleeping beauty lying in the bed made him more than okay, for he had to fight the urge to crawl back into bed with him and give him a proper wake up. Deciding that would have to wait for tonight, Victor stroke Yuuri’s hair and kissed his cheek.

“UhmMm.”

“Yuuuuuri, It’s time to get up sleepy head. Blinis getting cold and we have to be at the rink soon.” 

      Yuuri fluttered his deep brown eyes open and captured Victor into a large bear hug, pulling him down onto the bed and crushing him. 

_ Okay, so Yuuri is okay now. He just needed to sleep on it. _

      A few moments later, Yuuri was at the kitchen table in just sweatpants and was sitting in his usual seat that faced the window. He loved overlooking Saint Petersburg, a place that had long ago lost it’s magic to Victor, but seemed to wrap Yuuri up in it’s sites. It made Victor love it again a little too. Yuuri’s ability to find beauty in almost everything was another thing Victor could add to the long list of what he loved about him. He couldn’t help but not lean over and kiss him. That, and the fact that he was only wearing sweatpants, having not prepared for the day yet. 

      The pair talked for what felt like a few seconds but was in reality a ten minute breakfast discussion. Victor knew he had to resolve this weird feeling inside of him. This weird feeling that made him guilty, as if he was keeping something from Yuuri all of a sudden. 

“Victor, what’s on top of these?”

“Caviar and chocolate mousse!”

Yuuri scarfed down another bite.

“This isn’t breakfast, it’s a dessert. We should make these more often!”

      It was now or never. Victor’s thoughts were eating him alive. How to bring it up?

“I used to make them all the time after I had a bad night. I would tug on  a long sleeved shirt and play chef to get my mind off of things. Isn’t it Vkusno?”

      Victor’s heart was pounding. He knew he could have brought that up in a better manner. Why couldn’t he just explain that he was a mess without being so weird about it? Yuuri thankfully didn’t seem to get the message, only halting for a second with wide eyes and then taking another bite of mousse. They continued the conversation, things like what the training plan was for the day, what they would have for dinner, and how they were going to tease Yurio and his date at practice. Maybe if they were lucky, he would bring Beka just to make things that much more interesting. 

Victor was finishing his last Blini and was going to put their dishes away when he looked down and realized Yuuri hadn’t touched anymore of his food. 

_ Okay… So maybe he’s not Okay.  _

Upon realization that he had been caught with a full plate, Yuuri looked at Victor with an adorable blush that was slightly covered by his glasses. 

“I’m going to go get ready. Thanks! You're right, Vkusno!” 

      He got up and ran to their bedroom, as if scared of what Victor might say to him not eating another meal. Normally he had such an appetite. Where did it go? Had Victor caused this? He cleaned up their plates, opened the medicine cabinet, and hesitantly popped a pill into his mouth.

Yuuri watched with wide eyes and his head peeking out of their bedroom door. There was no emotion to describe what he was witnessing for the first time. 

_       Good. He took them again.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so Blini is basically a Russian pancake topped with caviar and stuff. Thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoy this! Please take care of yourselves, breathe, and thank yourselves for things that you do. You took a shower? Congrats!! You ate? Yaaay!!! Hug yourself!! I love you all


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